Waltzing with Neuroses

My friend Malida had a great experience today and wished to somehow 'blog' it. Since she's wholly inept when it comes to all things technology, I've been given permission to take up her torch and carry it to the finish line. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the tale of Creepy One-Date Psycho Inducing Extreme Cellphone Evasion, or as I shall refer to him from now on, CODPIECE.

Malida and CODPIECE went out for drinks a few months ago. Though I have no insider knowledge of what transpired, I can guess it went something like the following:

Malida: Hi, I'm Malida
CODPIECE: Hi, I'm creepy.

And it pretty much went downhill from there. Suffice it to say that the evening ended up with the old "Check out the cool scar I got when I was bitten by a pit bull as I served a Default Payment notice" routine that we guys are prone to telling when conversation gets slow. Of course, it was actually from a now infamous sporking incident at T-bell, but that's neither here nor there.

After sharing a drink, a laugh, and possibly some rohypnol, Malida and CODPIECE parted ways, exchanging cell phone numbers as they drew the evening to a close. CODPIECE thought he'd scored some hot ass. CODPIECE was wrong. Malida is a busy little bee, and neglected to call CODPIECE for a while, and by 'a while', I mean 'ever'. CODPIECE, however, did not give up hope.

Weeks went by as he left voicemail after voicemail, imploring her to call so they could again share drinks, laughs, and rufies. Unfortunately for CODPIECE, he would call to give 5 minutes notice of his potential dates, and that just didn't work for Malida. Who doesn't make plans for the evening these days... says the guy writing in his blog at 10:30 on a Wednesday night.

Finally, CODPIECE broke down our little Cantonese Cutie (Yeah, "cutie" was my first choice for a word starting with C) and she answered the phone. This was their conversation, word-for-word.

CODPIECE: Hey, want to grab some dinner later?
Malida: I can't, I have to pack for Sacramento.
CP: *cue insane voice* You're always busy when I call you. You're always doing your girls night out ...or you're in Vegas, when are you going to make time for me?
M: I'm a busy girl. I work a lot and I party hard. I'm not going drop my plans or my girls when you call and want to do something. If you want to spend time with me, you need to make plans in advance.
CP: I'm calling you at 7pm. Let's go to dinner at 9. That's two hours notice.
(Editorial note: You can almost see the psychotic glare in his eyes at these words)
M: Um... maybe you didn't hear me, but I can't go out tonight. I've got to pack for my trip tomorrow.
CP: Are... are you saying your trip is more important than me?
M: Do you really want me to answer that?

Cue hysterical laughter from Malida

CP: Well, when you get back, let's go to dinner.
M: I don't get back til next Wednesday, then I work on Thursday and Friday, and I'm leaving for Vegas on Friday.
CP: What?? Vegas again? See this is what I mean... you're always busy. And you never call me back. And when you do, you never leave a message. If you keep this up, I'm going to stop calling you
(Editorial note: This would be a perfect time to whip out the "is that a promise?" line, but alas)

Malida could not, at this point, contain her laughter. The 'ol "I'll stop calling you" trick apparently didn't work. His response:
CP: I haven't seen you since that one day we went out for drink. That was like 2 months ago. I invite you over and you never come. You have to put some effort in. If you dont' start making time for me, I'm going to DELETE you off my list!
M: Well I can't tell you what to do, I'm a busy girl. I'm not going to drop everything for you, so you do what you gotta do.
CP: I didn't ask for your opinion- I'm telling you what I'm going to do if you don't call me. I'm not going to talk to you on YOUR time, you have to make time to talk on my time.

Cue uprorious laughter from Malida.

At this point, CODPIECE wished Malida a safe trip. "Don't get too wild. I don't like wild girls." were his parting words. Well, they were going to be until Malida told him she's "nobody's girl". This illicted the death blow from CP, "I can see why. You're never around long enough to date".

Ooooh, burn.

Conversation over, right? Yeeeah, no. Here comes the text message!

"Since you like being single, I hope your[sic] single for life so you know how it feels to want someone and not have them. Goodbye."

Poor Malida. She was text-dumped by a guy she didn't even date. That has to hurt. Of course, me being the jackass that I am, I dared her (triple-dog dared her, actually) to text him back with a line I've always wanted to use- "Cool. See ya never". I know, I know, sophomoric at best, but it's the simplicity that makes it so effective. It's the 2nd grader's way of ending a relationship, and is not used nearly enough in today's society.

Malida has been deleted.