Cruising unconsciously at 38,000 feet yesterday, I heard a sound that shook me to the core of my being. It ripped me out of my sleep and made my heart race like that of a hummingbird on crack. A gunshot. And another.
I was sitting in the bulkhead, and it came from the galley of the 757. Right by the door to the cockpit. Once my eyes had once again acclimated to the light, I saw what had made the noise... the stewardess. She was throwing giant bags of ice on the floor to break them up so she could serve drinks. Is there NO better way to do this? Are you telling me that on a seventy-five million dollar aircraft, they couldn't find a way to break up chunky ice for the flight crew?
The damn machine can melt one-inch-thick ice caps off the leading edges of wings travelling at 450kts and 50,000 feet... but it can't break two cubes apart without scaring the living shit out of me.
And that brings me to my point: I hate jerks. That's right, jerks. Jerks are the reason we're throwing bags of ice on the floor. Why? No ice picks. Because of jerks with utility knives, the flight crew is only aloud to break ice with instruments that posess all the rigidity of osteoporotic femurs.
The first time I flew post-9/11, I asked for a lime with my club soda. "How do you think we're supposed to cut limes now?" was the response I got. I'm pretty sure my saying, "On the ground before they get to the plane?" wasn't helpful, but it should've been. I got upgraded to first class on a flight and was stuck using plastic silverware. Even the carrots in the dish had been dulled at the tip so as to pose no threat. This is ridiculous. I can think of fifty ways to take down a damn plane, none of them involving sharp objects. Are we going to start banning asthma inhalers? Pieces of fishing line? Cameras? Hats? Very small rocks? Not a chance.
All it takes is one guy to go all McGyver on an airplane, and we'll find ourselves in straight jackets sucking on endotracheal tubes. It's bad enough that I have to sit there eating my dull carrots with a spoon as I sip on a lime-free club soda, but general anesthesia I will not allow!
This post, much like my carrots, has no point.
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