Justice

Karma police, arrest this man.

At the behest of Jon, I am making this post. I believe that given my last post, this one is appropriately named. Warning: This entry is somewhat crude.

Given the subject matter and tone of my previous entries, one could assume that my life out here boarders a bit on the unhealthy and hedonistic side, but that's only about 5% of my life in Las Vegas. Nobody wants to read about the day-to-day rituals of picking up dry cleaning, working, getting the mail, and paying my bills. See? Even that list was boring. I do, however, take care of myself while living here. If you don't count the three-week stint last February during which I had an emergency appendectomy, was diagnosed with strep, and caught the flu, I'm actually pretty healthy.

Each morning, I take a bottle of water and cram into it about 75% of my "needed for healthy living" vitamins, minerals, etc. This includes psyllium fiber, which I have been assured by the two doctors in the family is never a bad thing to ingest on a daily basis. I eat a healthy breakfast, drink my healthy-ass water, and start my day. Considering most of my friends start theirs with a Red Bull and a cigarette, I think this is a pretty healthy alternative.

Last night, I went to the store to stock up on my powdered goodness. I was a little distracted at the time and was pretty much on auto-pilot. Just pick up the fruits and vegetables for the week, grab the supplements, get two cases of water, and I'm on my merry way. Yes, I used self-checkout. I put everything away when I got home, again on auto-pilot.

After getting out of bed this morning, I started warming up my shower and trudged to the kitchen. Considering I am functionally retarded in the morning if I've not had my shower, this will always be the way things go down-- take note, ladies. You can't change me! Anyway... I grabbed an ice-cold bottle of water, poured in my little vitamin packets, and mixed in three heaping spoonfulls of fiber. It's about five times as much as I would normally ingest, but considering my day's plans included a lunch at a steakhouse and dinner at a BBQ joint, I wasn't planning on getting my fill naturally. Like I said before, you can never have too much of a good thing. As I scooped everything into the bottle, I thought to myself, "Self, that's a lot of fiber. Man, your system's getting detoxed today." After the last two weeks, it needed it anyway.

I chugged my Health in a Bottle and took my shower.

*grumble*

What the hell was that? My stomach's grumbling... odd. Oh well, off I go to get dressed and go to wor-

*grumble*

Okay, not cool.

I went to the kitchen to grab some Tums from the cabinet. Just FYI, apparently I'm genetically predisposed to getting an ulcer or GERD, so I chew a couple Tums each day. So far I'm the only one in the family that hasn't had either of the stomach acid-induced curses. Regardless... I opened the cabinet and grabbed the bottle of Tums and started to tap some out of the bottle when something caught my eye. The label of the fiber powder I use had been recently redesigned, apparently. Oh wait, that's not my normal brand. In fact, that's not fiber...

I had purchased and consumed three giant spoonfulls of laxative. Thanks Sean, you jackass.

[Insert 'shit really hit the fan' joke here. While you're at it, think of a witty ending to this post. I need to use the restroom.]