On one show, a homely Minnesotan girl wanted to be a champion wakeboarder. She was overweight, had a seering crush on some kid at her school, had never been out on a lake, and was about as coordinated as me two hours into a beer pong game. Could they do it? Could MTV make her a star? Short answer, yes. Long answer, no. You figure it out.
The show contained all the requisite shots, you see. There are the "ohmigod, look at her" shots from the popular girls in the beginning, the "Rocky" montage, and the "wow, you've come so far in life in the past month- want to come to our neat kegger?" shots at the end. I like to call this Dante's Trifecta, cuz someone's going to hell for subjecting humanity to it.
I'm pretty sure this is what the passed script and shooting schedule looks like for an episode of this show.
MADE
Air date 3/12/06
Written by Satan & Minions
Air date 3/12/06
Written by Satan & Minions
Narrative: "Tiffany is a poor, ugly lesbian from Nebraska. She wants nothing more than to be a cheerleader and get porked by graduation." -scratch the last part about porking. too transparent.
Let's get some stock footage of skinny girls pointing at fat girls and insert it here. Get one of those cool shots where we follow her down the hall and people pretend she doesn't exist, those are always fun. Find and interview the school's resident anti-lesbian chick. I know, I know, who doesn't like lesbians, but just get some chick with too much dark eye makeup.
Interview Clip: Focus the interview on how hard it is to be a "plus sized" girl in today's world. Try not to mention that she has bad acne, too. If we can, we should probably have her cry a little. Not a big cry, but one of those delayed cries where she talks about something heartfelt and then has to... take a break... and... cry... a little. You know? The whole "it's like we're not filming it because it's so real, but we are filming it" moments. God I love those.
Narrative: "Well, Tiffany. You got your chance. MTV wrangled up the best and the brightest of the cheerleading world to help you make your dream come true!"
btw, we need to try to find some losers who cheerlead for a living. Tell them we'll pay them extra to be seen with this chick.
Interview Clip: Get said losers to talk about how hard it is to be a cheerleader (hah) and that her BMI is too high or something. Give some sort of goal you can get 90% of the way to in 30 days... make sure she can't totally reach it, though. If it's a weight loss thing, we can always toss cheeseburgers at her during the last week of filming if she gets too close to success. Lists are good. If there's a list published on some teacher's door at the end (cast for a play, people who made the team, etc.) we can always get that 'disappointed, yet triumphant' shot at the end when she's not on it. I mean, I'm not trying to be negative, but have you seen this chick?
Shots of her training to be a cheerleader. Make sure she tries really hard stuff on her first day and falls flat on her face. Classic. Oh, and put her on a seaweed diet... yeah, that'd be funny. Get shots of her drinking seaweed. Someone gets a bonus if we catch her puking on film.
Interview Clip: Standard "I hate my trainer", "this is hard", "I miss my friends" stuff. Keep this going for about 30 minutes.
Insert the clips of people starting to notice she's lost weight, has a cleared-up complexion, is really cool, blah blah in here. Don't actually ask them to speak, just make sure you get good tight shots of them staring at her ass. Oh, and THIS IS PARAMOUNT: Make sure they know there's a camera on them!! If they don't know, they'll just be normal and blow her off. Pay the head cheerleader to tell her she shouldn't give up. Arrange for a party at our expense, make sure some cute guy invites her, preferably the one she has a crush on. Oh wait, she's a lesbian.. make it a cute girl. See if we can get them to kiss. No tongue or we'll have to show it after 10pm.
Interview Clip: "Wow, she's working so hard! I totally respect her now!" etc. Grab some stock footage if there isn't enough fresh crap.
Film the try-outs for whatever she's doing. It was cheerleading, right? Cool. Get some, uh, good angles. Pensive shots of judges are always key, as is making sure we show the entire routine of the one chick that's actually good. Get the fatty to look intimidated. I dunno, tell her if she fails someone will shoot Ronald McDonald.
Narrative: "...and now the waiting game begins. Tiffany has worked so hard for the past 30 days, but was it enough? She almost reached her goal weight, almost pulled off a back-handspring, and almost won her battle with psoriasis. But was it enough?"
NO! Hahahah. Man, people are suckers. Okay, um, there should be the list I talked about somewhere. See if you can get the coach posting it, then the girls running up to it the next day. PLEASE get me a close-up of the tear coming out of the corner of her eye when she sees she's not on it. Last time we had to settle for that shot of the back of that retarded kid's head when he realized he wasn't cast in Pippin. I'm not pointing any fingers, TODD, but maybe we should get a good director of photography for this one.
Interview Clip: Technically I'm not supposed to script this since that whole Laguna Beach fiasco, but I wouldn't cry if someone maybe fed her the idea for this line: "My best may not be good enough for them, but it's good enough for me." I tried getting that one-armed wanna-be gymnast to say it, but his best literally wasn't good enough for anybody-HAH... speaking of which, how creepy is it that his mom invited us to the wake? Anyway, make sure she's upbeat about being a failure. One of these days we should let a kid succeed. Nah.
Slow-mo clips of people cheering for the cheerleader, maybe get them to allow her to do one cheer during a game. God forbid she's the top of the pyramid, but she'd make a good base. Make sure we get an official cheerleading outfit for her, and have the coach present it as some sort of 'great spirit' award or something. Do they make those in XXL? Fade in random clips of her family and some of her weird goth/emo friends smiling. Have anti-lesbian chick from the first segment come up, cry about how enlightened she is, and hug her. Bonuses all around if she gives her a quick feel-up.
On second thought, this one needs a little more depth. Maybe some tragedy? Can we shoot her dog right before filming?
Let's get some stock footage of skinny girls pointing at fat girls and insert it here. Get one of those cool shots where we follow her down the hall and people pretend she doesn't exist, those are always fun. Find and interview the school's resident anti-lesbian chick. I know, I know, who doesn't like lesbians, but just get some chick with too much dark eye makeup.
Interview Clip: Focus the interview on how hard it is to be a "plus sized" girl in today's world. Try not to mention that she has bad acne, too. If we can, we should probably have her cry a little. Not a big cry, but one of those delayed cries where she talks about something heartfelt and then has to... take a break... and... cry... a little. You know? The whole "it's like we're not filming it because it's so real, but we are filming it" moments. God I love those.
Narrative: "Well, Tiffany. You got your chance. MTV wrangled up the best and the brightest of the cheerleading world to help you make your dream come true!"
btw, we need to try to find some losers who cheerlead for a living. Tell them we'll pay them extra to be seen with this chick.
Interview Clip: Get said losers to talk about how hard it is to be a cheerleader (hah) and that her BMI is too high or something. Give some sort of goal you can get 90% of the way to in 30 days... make sure she can't totally reach it, though. If it's a weight loss thing, we can always toss cheeseburgers at her during the last week of filming if she gets too close to success. Lists are good. If there's a list published on some teacher's door at the end (cast for a play, people who made the team, etc.) we can always get that 'disappointed, yet triumphant' shot at the end when she's not on it. I mean, I'm not trying to be negative, but have you seen this chick?
Shots of her training to be a cheerleader. Make sure she tries really hard stuff on her first day and falls flat on her face. Classic. Oh, and put her on a seaweed diet... yeah, that'd be funny. Get shots of her drinking seaweed. Someone gets a bonus if we catch her puking on film.
Interview Clip: Standard "I hate my trainer", "this is hard", "I miss my friends" stuff. Keep this going for about 30 minutes.
Insert the clips of people starting to notice she's lost weight, has a cleared-up complexion, is really cool, blah blah in here. Don't actually ask them to speak, just make sure you get good tight shots of them staring at her ass. Oh, and THIS IS PARAMOUNT: Make sure they know there's a camera on them!! If they don't know, they'll just be normal and blow her off. Pay the head cheerleader to tell her she shouldn't give up. Arrange for a party at our expense, make sure some cute guy invites her, preferably the one she has a crush on. Oh wait, she's a lesbian.. make it a cute girl. See if we can get them to kiss. No tongue or we'll have to show it after 10pm.
Interview Clip: "Wow, she's working so hard! I totally respect her now!" etc. Grab some stock footage if there isn't enough fresh crap.
Film the try-outs for whatever she's doing. It was cheerleading, right? Cool. Get some, uh, good angles. Pensive shots of judges are always key, as is making sure we show the entire routine of the one chick that's actually good. Get the fatty to look intimidated. I dunno, tell her if she fails someone will shoot Ronald McDonald.
Narrative: "...and now the waiting game begins. Tiffany has worked so hard for the past 30 days, but was it enough? She almost reached her goal weight, almost pulled off a back-handspring, and almost won her battle with psoriasis. But was it enough?"
NO! Hahahah. Man, people are suckers. Okay, um, there should be the list I talked about somewhere. See if you can get the coach posting it, then the girls running up to it the next day. PLEASE get me a close-up of the tear coming out of the corner of her eye when she sees she's not on it. Last time we had to settle for that shot of the back of that retarded kid's head when he realized he wasn't cast in Pippin. I'm not pointing any fingers, TODD, but maybe we should get a good director of photography for this one.
Interview Clip: Technically I'm not supposed to script this since that whole Laguna Beach fiasco, but I wouldn't cry if someone maybe fed her the idea for this line: "My best may not be good enough for them, but it's good enough for me." I tried getting that one-armed wanna-be gymnast to say it, but his best literally wasn't good enough for anybody-HAH... speaking of which, how creepy is it that his mom invited us to the wake? Anyway, make sure she's upbeat about being a failure. One of these days we should let a kid succeed. Nah.
Slow-mo clips of people cheering for the cheerleader, maybe get them to allow her to do one cheer during a game. God forbid she's the top of the pyramid, but she'd make a good base. Make sure we get an official cheerleading outfit for her, and have the coach present it as some sort of 'great spirit' award or something. Do they make those in XXL? Fade in random clips of her family and some of her weird goth/emo friends smiling. Have anti-lesbian chick from the first segment come up, cry about how enlightened she is, and hug her. Bonuses all around if she gives her a quick feel-up.
On second thought, this one needs a little more depth. Maybe some tragedy? Can we shoot her dog right before filming?
